Anshei Darom News

Remember how in the movie Dances with Wolves, the Kevin Costner character got his name because that's what he was doing when it came time to select his Indian Native American name?

I guess he's lucky he wasn't called "Wipes with Leaves."

As Jews, we have Hebrew names that include our name and our father's name. But what if we used Native American naming conventions? Submitted for your approval, here are some

INDIAN NAMES FOR CERTAIN JEWISH INDIVIDUALS

Actually Likes Manischewitz

Brags About Children

Cheats At Dreidel

Complains About Rabbi

Drinks Schnapps At Oneg

Drives Mercedes, Feels Guilty

Drives Volkswagen, Feels Guilty And Inadequate

Eats Cholent And Is Unconcerned About The Consequences

First To Finish Shemoneh Esrei

Hides Christmas Tree When Rabbi Visits

Ignores Tropp

Keeps Kosher At Home But Eats Treyf Out

Makes Kissy Faces At Wife From Bimah

Misses Entire Point Of Sermon

Orders In Pizza During Chol Hamoed Pesach

Pretends To Be Reading Hebrew But Is Really Using The Transliteration

Prides Self On S'micha Purchased From Sears Roebuck Catalog

Shuckles While Davening

Sits In Back of Shul

Slobbers On Tzitzit While Kissing Them

Speaks Broken Yiddish

Still Goes To Catskills

Takes Very Seriously The Admonition To Get Drunk At Purim

Talks During Kedushah

Tangles Tefillin

Tells Lengthy And Yet Unfunny Jokes, Frequently In Ungrammatical Yiddish

Thinks He Is On Broadway When He Really Is In Shul

Trips On Tallis

Vacations In Miami

Wears Dime-Sized Kipah

[Can you think of any others? If so, leave 'em in the Comments.]